My Miscarriage, 5 Years Later

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.   Typically on the 15th of October is when others share their awareness.  However, the 29th will always be the day that I share.  October 29, 2012 is when I experienced what miscarriage was for me personally.
I shared a post about it all a week after it happened HERE

So, what is it like 5 years later?  It’s still hard.  I still don’t understand.  I still wonder what that baby, who would be 4.5 years old now, would be like.  I still get emotional when I think of him.  I still also thank my Heavenly Father for allowing me to carry him, even if it was a short 12 weeks.  That was still life.  Was still my child.  Just because I didn’t get to hold or see him.  Or even get to feel him kick.  He was real.  He was here.  That is such an honor.
Now that Nolan is here, how can you wonder all these things?  They couldn’t both exist here.  A question I’ve actually been asked more than once.  I get it.  Scientifically, it’s not possible.  As I got pregnant with Nolan 4 months after losing our baby.  However, they’re both my children.  It’s not really a question I am able to answer because I feel almost like I would have to choose one over the other.  What mother can choose one of her children over the other??  That is why I trust in my Lord and Savior.  “I don’t understand His way, oh but I will give Him all of my praise.”  Again, I am honored and find it as a gift that I was chosen to carry all of my children.  I don’t take it lightly or for granted.

5 years later, I’m still learning to not let the fear that has come through miscarriage to have any place in me.  With each pregnancy I’ve had since then, the fear of “what if it happens again?” has had it’s moment of really gripping at me.   It’s something I have had to fight.   It’s something I have had to surrender to Christ and allow His peace to take over in me.    

5 years later, I am a little more aware to know what to say, or better yet, what not to say to those who have walked these shoes.  I’ve learned that every person grieves different and it’s not a one way for all type of ordeal.   It’s these learning experiences that I hold onto.  I will never understand or know the why.  However, I will take what I’ve learned and bring honor to our baby that we never got to meet or hold.  I will continue to share my story, even if it helps just one other mama know she isn’t alone and I acknowledge her baby and his/her life, no matter how short.

Beauty in the Journey

 

I have big dreams of making things I possess beautiful.  Every room in my home; my lawn; this blog.

Having these dreams and goals are great!  However, so is the process.  Or dare I say it?  The wait.

I can get so lost in my dreams or my desires that I miss out in the beauty that can be in the wait or the process.

One of my testimonies of God teaching me to worship in the waiting is after my lost before I had Nolan.  I had desired to get pregnant after Anna turned a year and within a few months, it happened.  I was so excited.  Sadly, when I reached 12 weeks, I had miscarried.  I wanted to get pregnant again so bad.  I was grieving and yearning for another chance all at once.  A whirlwind of emotions.  I did get pregnant only four months after the miscarriage but can I be vulnerable and say,  those four months were the longest of my life?  Every month that it didn’t happen, I was so upset that I was even having to go through this because I was suppose to be however many weeks pregnant by then.  One day I had taken Anna out to the park and just enjoyed my time with just her and I.  Was there sadness from losing our baby?  Sure.  But I saw that blessing that I had right then and I was reminded that I need to worship in this season.  The season that is just me and my one child.  The season in waiting.   I felt God tell me to dance in the waiting.  Dance.  That’s not just sitting and looking around for the promise.  It’s jumping, twirling, laughing.   It wasn’t easy but I did with all my might.  Because our Heavenly Father is so gracious and loving, He gave me strength where I wasn’t strong.  He received my praises that I had to give and multiplied them.  Faithfully, I got pregnant with Nolan and I now have my energetic, wild and loving 3.5 year old.

I’m thankful for that lesson of learning to dance in the waiting.

There’s a song from Bethel, “Heroes”.   One part of the lyrics that just sang to my soul.

You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointmentAnd I, I will worship 

I’m thankful for the lesson because I have had to reapply it many times again in my life.  Some for something small and other times, something big.

I encourage you to dance in whatever waiting period you are in.  It’s not always easy.  Sometimes it’s hard to even hear any type of song to dance to.  Regardless, dance.  Dance however your heart is able.  I would also be honored and most willing to pray for you and any circumstance you are in.  Feel free to email me or comment below.  Jesus loves you so very much.♡